@lovemydogduck: Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I'm doing. And now I'm sitting outside of H.R.

@slimmy_shady: *too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

@ArfMeasures: HER: You've run over my dog ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

@RapeyRaperton: Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

@robfee: Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.