@prufrockluvsong: barista calling out order: Gee Off Geoff: It's Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago barista: nice try, Gee Off

@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

@robdelaney: 23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it's okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@Cheeseboy22: I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don't Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."

@trevorthehuman: Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.