There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
All. The. Damn. Time.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught