There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
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Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.