An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
You Might Also Like
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Social distancing in Australia:
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Strange
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.