dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Who did it better?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Start the year as you intend to continue.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)