Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss