There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
What the hell is going on?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!