@LoveNLunchmeat: There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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@bencoffeehall: I have learned to accept that my parents are "Santa," but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
@XplodingUnicorn: Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you. Me: Really? Just me? Him: Well, no. He loves everyone. Me: I don't have time for players.
@CorkyKneivel: [in bed] "No, I'm serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?"
@JhonRules: When girls ask if I'm good in bed, I tell them "Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours".