There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
oh you like architecture? name three walls
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
And now we wait
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.