@envydatropic: There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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@CodyJP9412: REPUBLICANS: I can't believe Trump won. DEMOCRATS: I can't believe Hillary lost. ME: I can't believe it's not butter!
@StorybookBlonde: My cell phone fell in the pool...now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
@Ristolable: [Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins] Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff! [aside] maybe Batman shouldn't talk
@brownbear952: Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.