There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.