There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
cat faces on other animals, a thread
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
plant them where lol
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday