@heymonroe: There aren't enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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@mjkspeaks: [Walmart customer service] ME: i want to talk to the manager. MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem? ME: no, i just want to talk.
@_coryrichardson: me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD... a pretty huge d- her: Don't say it, im leaving [later] me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn't like dolphins