There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose