“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
You Might Also Like
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.