There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.