The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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I finally found a reason to live again.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I am crying
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.