Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Lol.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists