There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.