There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.