@zorgod: There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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@ItsAndyRyan: WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
@trims_the_fat: I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. "Making breakfast. ;)" "Walking the dog. ;)" "Broke in to your house ;)"
@timdonakowski: I like to mute CNN and imagine they're arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
@novicefather: [iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?