There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.