anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
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Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.