There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Breaking news:
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Does it…does it take 3 days
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
me, after any kind of buffet.