There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right