There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Just got to our Airbnb!
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m aging like a fine banana
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.