@RdrJay47: There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@better_off_dad: *At the bank Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP! Me:Looks like a gun R:SHUT UP! M:Well, 'THIS IS A GUN' is way scarier Teller:He's got a point
@lecalabara: For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
@mattgallo123: <job interview> It says here on your resume that you are a "self-proclaimed man of few words." Would you like to elaborate on that? Me: no