There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”