That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Just this preview of the story is enough
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
finally found a reasonable question
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.