Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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Weirdly Wednesday.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t