There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.