There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Stop sending me this shit.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.