There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?