[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You Might Also Like
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*puts words between two asterisks*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge