There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.