There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.