There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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bro what is going on at twitter
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The Joker was right
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks