I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus