Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I have so many questions.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.