the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*