There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
it was a valiant fight
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.