Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
You Might Also Like
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I am crying
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point