@simoncholland: There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, "your kids."
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@myles_morrison: Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.
@AndyAsAdjective: I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
@iLikeCatShirts: It's that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it's me trying to do my taxes.
@xLiserx: Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case* Clerk: You're making people uncomfortable.