There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro