There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
a public service announcement
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
wtf is a larm clock?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.