@totallyinatiff: There is no cool way to chase after a ping pong ball.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
@michaelianblack: As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I'm expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
@Vodkantots: Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada. As if Canada were even a real place.