@totallyinatiff: There is no cool way to chase after a ping pong ball.
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@Mr_Kapowski: My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
@realHamOnWry: I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said 'You're a mouth breather, and I'll never respect you'
@DearAuntAbby: I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
@rolldiggity: When your date asks about your hobbies, DON'T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, "Collecting knives with strangers' prints on them."