The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Match dot com, but for socks.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver