There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing