There is no “ea” in Tim.
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.