There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.