There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.