All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
technically true but not a great slogan
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Baking is just science you can eat.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
This is so me 😂😂
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.