I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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🙄😏😂🤣
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Saturday