Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I saw nothing
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow