There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
yea so i messed up lol
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.